So Much Has Changed

It’s been a long hiatus but I’m back. Everything is different. Remember that boyfriend I had? That’s my fiance now. We¬† move into our first home tomorrow.

I’ve been back to the hospital for my Eating Disorder. I thought I kicked it.

But here I am today, more fulfilled and happy than I’ve ever been… and I’m restricting again.

When my stomach growls, I take a drink of water to fill the void. I count my calories.

I try my best to hide this, because of the day I lay in a hospital bed, my fiance by my side. I saw the pure pain and grief in his face as he watched me waste away. I promised I’d never do that to him again.

I don’t intend to ever go that far again. But my wedding is coming up, and I want to feel good in my skin. I want to feel good in my mind, too, so I guess I’ll have to find a balance.

Balance is out there, right? Moderation? I can eat just enough to maintain a healthy weight and still be thin enough to satisfy my desires.

I hope all that is true.

I never want to hurt him again.


It’s Been A While

I don’t know exactly why I fell out of writing every day. Maybe I got better, maybe I got worse. I’ve certainly been both since I last signed in. But I’ve felt a hole in my life, and while I know it’s probably meant to be filled with a lot of things, one of them has to be writing. It’s just what I do. It’s not good, it’s generally not poetic or deep or metaphorical, but it’s about me and my reality, and it’s what I need to say.

So what have I been up to? I completed a semester of school, but I hated it so much I didn’t re-up for Fall semester. So now here I sit, applying desperately for jobs I’m not totally qualified for, in an effort to somehow move my life forward.

I’m dating a man who is of a caliber I have never experienced. He is somewhat older than me, and therefore has lived enough to know what he wants and to be a calm, mature presence when needed. He has shown me compassion, communication, acceptance, and love that I had never dreamed were real. It is foreign territory, and I don’t generally feel that I deserve it, but damn does it feel good to have.

Eating is still hard but my nutritionist likes the progress I’ve made. I don’t like the progress, but that’s my ED voice talking. It doesn’t want me to be healthy. I know that I need to continue to eat. I don’t want to scare my loved ones anymore.

I hit a real low halfway through my semester of school, then got put back on some meds that dug me out for the most part. I’ve engaged in behaviors that are unhealthy for me, I know that, but I am also trying to cope healthily. Today I painted and edited photos and even showered and applied to jobs, but I also used mechanisms that I know I can’t sustain and aren’t good for me, mentally or physically. You win some and you lose some.

My living situation certainly adds to my stress, but I’d rather not go into that now.

Overall, however, I am doing pretty well, for me. I’m hoping to have a new job soon, and in the meantime I have started weight lifting with my boyfriend and expressing myself and trying to be productive. I spend more time with friends than I have in a long time, and it feels good. I’ve slipped up, and continue to do so, but I am taking strides towards being a healthier human being.

I’ll consider this entry a stride towards better things.

My Mountain

Imagine there was a mountain
Made of your every worst thought.
Every time you worried if you locked the door
behind you
A pebble grew
And every time you doubted your abilities
or your life’s choices
A boulder fell
And when you questioned your very worth
as a person
A cliff face sprang up.
Now imagine you are trapped beneath that mountain
The weight of your fears and insecurities
Bearing down on you
Stealing your breath
Crushing your ribs
Squeezing tears from your raw, red eyes.
That is where I have been living
Under my own personal mountain
Clawing to get free.
But the weight
The sheer weight
Is so much for me I fear
I will never escape.

Meet Me At the Source

When you’re in a dark place, and you’ve forgotten what the light feels like, does it matter where you’re happiness comes from?

I had forgotten what it was like to feel truly joyful. To smile, laugh, feel exhilarated… it was strange, the memory of it is strange. But it all came from another person. Does that mean I have any agency over it at all?

My life feels different now. I’ve felt hope and I can’t forget it, can’t go back to the depths of despair that I had been trapped in. I am capable of feeling happiness, I know this now. And the source of that happiness is still around.

That’s the thing though. What if my source leaves me? Does that devalue the happiness? Does it mean that I’m not truly capable of generating my own contentment? Is my happiness, because it has come from someone else, not valid in my recovery?

I feel renewed. I feel like I have been revived. I had a jolt of positivity that woke me from my slumber, and now I’m here, awake. That feels valuable to me, no matter where it came from. I don’t believe the source of my happiness to be leaving any time soon, though I can promise nothing, but that’s neither here nor there. I have felt it. It’s possible.

I don’t want to believe that the source of my happiness matters as long as I can continue to feel it in other capacities. As long as I am not stuck at the teat of the person who makes me happy, desperately clinging to them for emotional sustenance, then what does it matter how I became a happier person?

Happiness comes from many places. I like this one.

No Sleep Means I’m Not Depressed

I’m supposed to take my extra sleep meds and get a good night’s sleep tonight, because my inability to sleep the last few nights may have been precipitating a manic episode. Is it weird that makes me kind of glad? That I can feel something other than depressed?

Mania is no fun in the end I know, but it’s a sign that not only am I a human being capable of a full range of emotion, but also that I really AM bipolar I and my lows will be met with highs.

Either way, I’m going to try to sleep it off now. My brain is still racing but maybe it’ll calm enough for me to get enough rest to function for tomorrow. I work and have an interview, I’ll need my beauty sleep. Or, at the least, my sanity sleep.

2 a.m. Showers

It’s 2 a.m. And I can’t sleep, so I decided to wake up. I showered, got my glasses on, and started up my video game. I want to write but I think the laptop may be next to my slumbering father.

I have another date tomorrow and I’m nervous. We’re going to the mall and walking around, which is fun, and she seems super cute. That’s just nerve-wracking for someone like me.

Plus what do I wear? Can I dress like a Tomboy or do I try to dress girly to impress? Idk what she would like.

These thoughts are all so trivial. Who even cares? This is my rambling, not meant for others and yet for some reason publicized.

I’m just so very confused about who I am and where I’m going right now. This is a big time in my life. I’m not sure how to handle it.

I guess 2 a.m. showers is one way.