I love tattoos, and I have plans for many more than he small ones I have. However I no longer feel like I can get them, because I don’t know what size I will be in even a week. I don’t want stretched and then shrunken and restretched tattoos all over myself. I wish I could just stay this weight comfortably forever and not have to worry.
I want to get buttercups on my shoulder for my sister, a tree mandala on my upper arm for my mom, a tandem inside my arm for my dad, crossed blades on my forearm for my brother, and a chickadee on my ankle for my grandmother. Maybe more.
But I am too uncertain and nervous about my body to do anything about them now.
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for long distance. Maybe I’m just too needy.
It’s funny how different we speak and act when we’ve been drinking. En vino veritas.
Her entire life is spent looking
Out a window no one else can see.
The raindrops play upon the glass
But she longs for them to bless her face.
Teardrops wash instead down her
Lonely, sheltered face
What good will the world be to her
If she’s only seen one piece?
She pounds upon the window pane
And hopes that it might shatter
But nothing happens.
Just like always.
All she can do
Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is hold your tongue and hide your pain from those you care about.
The future is so important and yet so uncertain. What my life is going to be is up in the air. Who I am now is pathetic. What good is there in any of this? Why do I keep trying? It is one hurdle after the other and nothing ever gets resolved.
I almost had a job today. Now I’m back at square one, and my bones are aching, begging me to just give in and not bother to continue trying.
I just want to be living a fruitful life, not this sad, barren one I have now.
What is there to be said about anxiety that hasn’t been said already? My chest is tight like I have a corset on. I feel weak all over. My mind is telling me that I am not good enough, that this will never work, that I am wasting my time. And yet I’ve put so much effort into today, I can’t turn back. I’m trapped on a terrifying rollercoaster ride. But who knows. I like roller coasters.