I don’t know exactly why I fell out of writing every day. Maybe I got better, maybe I got worse. I’ve certainly been both since I last signed in. But I’ve felt a hole in my life, and while I know it’s probably meant to be filled with a lot of things, one of them has to be writing. It’s just what I do. It’s not good, it’s generally not poetic or deep or metaphorical, but it’s about me and my reality, and it’s what I need to say.
So what have I been up to? I completed a semester of school, but I hated it so much I didn’t re-up for Fall semester. So now here I sit, applying desperately for jobs I’m not totally qualified for, in an effort to somehow move my life forward.
I’m dating a man who is of a caliber I have never experienced. He is somewhat older than me, and therefore has lived enough to know what he wants and to be a calm, mature presence when needed. He has shown me compassion, communication, acceptance, and love that I had never dreamed were real. It is foreign territory, and I don’t generally feel that I deserve it, but damn does it feel good to have.
Eating is still hard but my nutritionist likes the progress I’ve made. I don’t like the progress, but that’s my ED voice talking. It doesn’t want me to be healthy. I know that I need to continue to eat. I don’t want to scare my loved ones anymore.
I hit a real low halfway through my semester of school, then got put back on some meds that dug me out for the most part. I’ve engaged in behaviors that are unhealthy for me, I know that, but I am also trying to cope healthily. Today I painted and edited photos and even showered and applied to jobs, but I also used mechanisms that I know I can’t sustain and aren’t good for me, mentally or physically. You win some and you lose some.
My living situation certainly adds to my stress, but I’d rather not go into that now.
Overall, however, I am doing pretty well, for me. I’m hoping to have a new job soon, and in the meantime I have started weight lifting with my boyfriend and expressing myself and trying to be productive. I spend more time with friends than I have in a long time, and it feels good. I’ve slipped up, and continue to do so, but I am taking strides towards being a healthier human being.
I’ll consider this entry a stride towards better things.