When you’re in a dark place, and you’ve forgotten what the light feels like, does it matter where you’re happiness comes from?
I had forgotten what it was like to feel truly joyful. To smile, laugh, feel exhilarated… it was strange, the memory of it is strange. But it all came from another person. Does that mean I have any agency over it at all?
My life feels different now. I’ve felt hope and I can’t forget it, can’t go back to the depths of despair that I had been trapped in. I am capable of feeling happiness, I know this now. And the source of that happiness is still around.
That’s the thing though. What if my source leaves me? Does that devalue the happiness? Does it mean that I’m not truly capable of generating my own contentment? Is my happiness, because it has come from someone else, not valid in my recovery?
I feel renewed. I feel like I have been revived. I had a jolt of positivity that woke me from my slumber, and now I’m here, awake. That feels valuable to me, no matter where it came from. I don’t believe the source of my happiness to be leaving any time soon, though I can promise nothing, but that’s neither here nor there. I have felt it. It’s possible.
I don’t want to believe that the source of my happiness matters as long as I can continue to feel it in other capacities. As long as I am not stuck at the teat of the person who makes me happy, desperately clinging to them for emotional sustenance, then what does it matter how I became a happier person?
Happiness comes from many places. I like this one.