I learned the word demigirl today and I like it. It means partially identifying to the female gender but not fully, maybe feeling like something else also. That’s me. I feel like a girl just not… entirely. Not wholeheartedly.
I refused to wear girl clothes until middle school, when I finally accepted what I was and began to awkwardly try to figure out my female style (a phase involving tank tops with skulls on them and a purple streak in my bangs).
But when I talk to certain people or when I’m in certain moods, in my head I’m a boy, spreading my legs as I lean back in my chair and fear no reaper.
This makes me think maybe genderfluid could fit me, but I just don’t feel like I have enough dysphoria for that. I’m not crawling in my skin. I just feel kind of like a boy sometimes.
So maybe I’m a genderfluid, tomboy demigirl. I like that, but I don’t know if I’d advertise it. At least just not yet, not until I’ve really felt it out and believe it fully myself. But to me that’s what I feel I am right now.
Now I just have to hash out my sexuality. Bisexual is the term I’m using right now, but hey. Maybe that will change when I get a girlfriend I’m actually intimate with.
I just want to know what I am. I don’t know why I need labels, but I always have. I need boxes that I can fit neatly into, and when I say a word people will understand right away what I mean. Or they won’t, and I can supply them a dictionary definition. Neat and tidy.
So maybe I’m a bisexual, genderfluid, tomboy demigirl. Maybe I’m not. But I’ll keep on searching for the right words until I’m appeased. And maybe that little happy feeling can be kept to myself, but I will have those words.