Torn

Have you ever felt torn by two sides of you at once, like some internal war is ripping you apart?

I lost weight at yesterday’s weigh in, and she said it’s borderline admittable. But she also said that with my dog passing I’ve had a hard week and shouldn’t be judged off this one week alone. She believes in me.

What she doesn’t know and I don’t know how to say is that I wanted to lose that weight. I was happy to. I intended to lose more, maybe I still do.

I know that now I need to bulk on the pounds but that terrifies me so much I don’t know if I can. If I were braver or smarter I could just do it. Eat more. Weigh more. But that is the opposite of what I want, in one very stubborn part of my brain.

I’m trying. I’m not ungrateful. But I don’t know what I can do in the face of this.

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