I’ve been avoiding the phone calls from one of my jobs for over a week.
There are about a hundred reasons for this that can all be summed up into one word: anxiety.
I’m scared of going back to a job I was already struggling at. I’m scared of the people there. I’m scared of what will be thought of my absence. I am scared of all day shifts. I’m scared of not being able to remember the job or concentrate on what I am doing.
I am anxious about the anxiety that job gives me.
Before the hospital, when I was doing quite well (in my opinion), I had to leave work early one day because my right arm became mysteriously numb and my boss was concerned enough to suggest I get it checked out immediately. I did so, and was told that, essentially, it was a psychosomatic symptom of anxiety.
I hadn’t even been aware of how anxious my job was making me, because I was so determined to succeed. I returned to work after my stop at the urgent care.
Since then I have become more and more aware of the intense anxiety I experience when faced with the mere idea of going to work. Why, I’m not quite sure, but something about that place just scares me.
They began calling me soon after I was discharged from the hospital, but the sight of the call sent me into a panic. They left a voice mail imploring I call back.
This happened twice more and I still did not have the guts to call back. I didn’t know what to say. Could I go back now? Was I available? Was I ready? I didn’t know, and they would surely want to.
I’ve just now mustered up the courage to leave a voicemail on my bosses phone. Hopefully my bravery does not fail me before he returns the call.