I spent a lot of time in the days leading up to my first hospitalization googling my symptoms.
Depression, no. Anxiety, yes, but that couldn’t be the whole story.
I had been seeing things. It was schizophrenia, had to be.
The one disorder I consistently ignored was Bipolar. What I was feeling could not just be a “mood”. It went deeper than either happy or sad.
When I sat in my counselor’s office and she told me I needed inpatient care, that she suspected Bipolar, I immediately discredited her. What could she understand about what was happening to me?
When they gave me my diagnosis in the hospital, I was still skeptical. The dosage of Lithium that they gave me had done nothing.
They said this proved their point, and then they upped my dosage.
It’s so hard to evaluate what is happening inside our own heads, from inside our own heads. To this day I can’t say I’ve mastered it.
Funny that this skill determines my success in fighting my disease.